moodwriter: (Default)
[personal profile] moodwriter
My first boyfriend left me for my friend. My second boyfriend was an abusive asshole who told me I'm an evil witch (he meant it literally). He left me for a bimbo blond who had a nice ass. My third boyfriend left me because I was too young and stupid and wouldn't sleep with him.

That's just my teenage years. :)

I really didn't have any luck with boyfriends. I should've found a sweet girl back then. That's my only regret: that I didn't realize early enough that I like both. Now, I'd have that experience.

Anyway, my fourth boyfriend started dating me because the girl he liked wasn't interested in him. I worshiped the ground under his feet, and I agreed to anything to keep him. He wanted an open relationship. Oh, and his mother was from Hell. Seriously, what a hag. She made me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit, trying to steal her son from her. That was an interesting five years. He was so wonderful, but he never loved me enough. And then, I fell for a Swedish guy, told my ex I could use that open relationship card now, and had an affair with the guy. With the help of that crazy relationship I pulled myself out of the one that was slowly squeezing all life out of me.

My fifth on-and-off-boyfriend was that Swedish guy. He broke up with me right after we started dating, right after I'd broken up with my boyfriend. That was a low blow. He still wanted to see me for sex though. And since I didn't have anything else and I was broken and bleeding all over my insides I agreed to that. We saw each other for a year.

And while I was seeing that Swedish guy (for sex) I finally realized that I've been looking at someone for three years, that he's been right under my nose all this time... And I finally gave a chance to my husband... Okay, show me what real love is.

All my relationships could've worked if the person had loved me back. Nobody else did except my husband, not the way I need to be loved.

Still, the ex with an awful mother wanted to make a baby with me so I would never disappear from his life (we didn't). And I've had people calling me years after, telling me that you were the one, or you were right, or I should've held onto you. A little too late.

What I'm saying is... Yeah, I've seen many sides of relationships, and all of them have left scars. I've been treated very badly by people I loved. But I think I've always been aware of one thing: nobody else defines my worth. That's why, at some point of my life, I've been able to leave things behind. When I started dating that abusive bastard who actually did hit me and made me feel like I was the ugliest stupidest person in this world I told my best friend back then: "I know the way he is, but I want to experience this." It took me to go through all those bad experiences until I was ready to say: "Okay, let me see something good for a change."

It's still very hard for me to accept that I can have a good life. It's much easier for me to suffer and take all the pain. I feel so guilty about happiness. Still.

But I think it's a huge step to the right direction that I don't want to experience all the awful things first hand to understand people better. I'm now willing to learn from other people's experiences too.

Date: 2013-06-08 07:55 am (UTC)
midnightbluee: (Default)
From: [personal profile] midnightbluee
I'm back to bother you on your posts :)

It's been too long, and I've been too busy being hurt about all the ways the world is cruel to me to concentrate on much of anything else. I'm past that.

This post was relatable from the first line. My first boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn't sleep with him-he lied too much anyway, and was horrible at it. There's another guy who I didn't even have a relationship with, and talked not all that often, wanted me to give him oral. Predictably, he stopped noticing my existence after I refused. From that, I was already telling myself that there wasn't going to be a trustworthy relationship in the picture of the future. I seriously thought that I could just switch to the other team, as if that would actually be concrete & simple. My head was perpetuating the standard "all men are pigs" belief. Deep down, I knew that not all men are just animals. Even though that's exactly what my biological father was, as he just disappeared for days whenever he felt like it. As a result, mother was angry all the time and took out her frustrations by beating me up on almost a daily basis. Even though that's what I grew up in, I didn't feel like i don't deserve happiness, so i don't know the feeling of guiltiness from being happy. It took many years of being called worthless to come to the conclusion that no single person's words reflect who you actually are.

pathetically, I'm probably still not really out of the vicious circle. "i know how the pattern works, but I'm staying here anyways because i almost need the abuse to be in a familiar comfort zone."

Any who, I'm so happy for you that you and your husband found each other.

And...do you really like girls too? how long ago did you come to that conclusion?

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