Aug. 1st, 2013

Dreams

Aug. 1st, 2013 03:03 pm
moodwriter: (Default)
I'm a slow-burning person. I have very little energy although I'm a smile-bot. I'm open and talkative when the attention is somewhere other than myself. I turn into a shy person when the attention turns to me.

This is also why I've had such a hard time shining. I don't want to draw attention to myself. But I have dreams, and those dreams involve putting myself out there in the form of words. I am the words I write. I am that naive child, or that worldly philosopher. I am all the words and all the feelings, the good and the bad, the pathetic and the sad. And the more I write, the less I fear putting myself out there.

Writing is not my only dream, though. I want to get a degree in behavioral sciences, PhD to be exact. This dream is now closer than ever because I managed to pass the entrance exam, and I'm a university student. It shouldn't take me more than 4 years to get my Masters degree, and I'll be doing the PhD right after that.

There is so much more room inside me now that this door has opened. I am a whole new person even though at first I didn't feel any different. I always thought that I would feel somehow smarter if I managed to pass the exam. Nope, I don't. But I feel lighter. I've been carrying this dream since I was twenty. 17 years is a long time to wonder how I could pass the exam that is impossible to me. I had made it impossible to myself, and in the end, it was easy. This is how we fool ourselves. We think we can't do something because:

1. We're too old
2. We're too stupid
3. We're too weak
4. We're not good enough
5. There are so many others who are better at everything

The list is endless, and all those are lies. Yes, I couldn't become a prima ballerina, not at 36, but I can tweak my dreams and find the things that are possible to me. And the possibilities really are endless. We only have to find a way.

I'll be studying while working. I'll also write while I study and work. I might even consider having a baby while I study, work and write. I don't feel pressured by this. For some reason, I feel the kind of peace I've never felt before. I have some direction now. I'm not just hoping and dreaming. I'm also doing.

I am very slow. Most women my age already have children. I still don't know if I want any or if I can be a parent. Most women my age have their degree. I'm just starting mine, the dream one. I do have a mortgage and I'm married, and I do know some things I want to achieve when I finally grow up, but there is an endless open field ahead of me that has nothing solid there. Just something, nothing planned, just shadow dreams.

I'm okay with that. :)

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