Oct. 4th, 2013

moodwriter: (Default)
If you add the little lowly me to any equation I will tell you this:

1) It's easy
2) Anyone can learn it
3) It requires nothing special

Every single thing I've ever done feels like this to me. My husband caught me the other day when we were talking about skills, and how some things are very hard to learn if you have no talent for it. Of course with hard work you can get pretty far, but some things need something extra for you to become great in them.

Then, I said: "But I think almost anyone can learn to write if they try hard enough." and my husband said, "See what you did there again?"

Same goes with university. For the longest time, university was this entity of its own to me, this great, living, breathing organism, that I could never reach. Anyone who got there had to be somehow special.

Then I got in.

And university became a normal thing.

This is completely subconscious to me, and I react automatically like this to things, not because I have a very low self-esteem, but because... I think it has something to do with my values. I never want to see myself as better than someone else so if I achieve something I lower the value of the achieved thing. For the longest time I feared success because I feared that it would destroy the work I had put into understanding the mind and the relations between people and the meanings we give to things. I feared that it would somehow push me towards things like pride and raised self-worth, but my mind works the opposite way. The more successful I become, the more aware I am of others and their worth. This is so surprising to me because I thought I was already aware of others in a way that made me compassionate and thoughtful. I was, but there are different levels of awareness, and I'm not even close to the ones I want to be on.

So following my academic path has been the best choice I've ever made. Having the courage to pursue it even though I feared that it would make me proud... I can't even begin to explain what that means to me. By allowing myself to push through my fears, I'm also allowing myself to grow. And what's even better, I'm giving myself better tools to help other people.

I don't feel like I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing it to create a better world from the inside out. I probably can't do much, but I'll try. I'll do my very best to give all my abilities for this task. <3

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