moodwriter: (Tommy_sad)
[personal profile] moodwriter
I lost a dear friend this week. I'm not certain exactly when because she never told me why, but I believe it's because she thought I didn't see that she was right about something. When I'm on twitter, and I trust and love someone, I don't usually sugar-coat everything I say because I know these people know the true me and see that what I say there isn't everything I'm saying. And if something is unclear, they'll ask about it later. I hardly ever see anything as black and white. I hardly ever think that I know something better than someone else. There are a few things in this world I'm certain about and those are these:

1. “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.”
― Dalai Lama

2. There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.
- Dalai Lama

Everything else in this world is merely something humans come up with in their minds to make their daily lives easier for themselves.

I have a researcher's mind. I don't believe anything at face value. I don't think that if someone has written about something it must be true. And I certainly don't think that if something someone else has written agrees well with my own thoughts that it's the absolute truth.

The science about human relations is never exact because it's so hard to study. We gather evidence and we make hypotheses. We try to prove that something is what we think it is. For a long while some people actually believed that people are scared because their body reacts that way. Behaviorists saw the human mind as something irrelevant because you can't really study the mind properly. But you can study the body. And you get exact science out of it because it's measurable. Measurable data doesn't mean that you're interpreting it correctly or that it's explaining the cause of something you're studying.

This is why I always question everything that people think is the exact truth.

I had a conversation once about how the genders differ from each other. The woman was dead set that she didn't have strict ideas about gender roles, but yet, she still had very strong ideas of what is feminine and what is masculine. I gave her examples of studies in matriarchal societies where they didn't find the same differences they find in our current society. She asked me: "Do you mean it would be better if we lived in a matriarchal society?" No, I meant that even many of the characteristics we've proven to be different in the genders are that only because we live in a patriarchal society. The only way I managed to make her see that we should be a little careful of what we think are truly gender differences was when I said that at some point, it was very common to believe that women's minds can't handle scientific knowledge and that's why they shouldn't be allowed to study in universities. Nowadays, it's considered a problem especially in Finland that there are more women studying in universities than men and women are doing better in school in general than men.

So this is the mindset I come from. This is me. Nothing is true to me until it's proven, and not even then because we've managed to prove things that haven't been true. I will question every idea people have ever created. It's not an offense against you. It's just how my mind works. And I always try to be polite about my differing opinion, and I never think that your opinion is invalid. I will think it's your opinion though because it's not the whole truth, and never will be because the human society is a very complex one. It's not just your side and my side. Or it shouldn't be. All knowledge, in my opinion, should be about finding ways to coexist.

Anyway, this is a goodbye. I will miss her for the rest of my life. I will never understand this decision, and especially the way this was handled. I will forgive, though, because I can't hold a grudge. I'm just not capable of that. But I will never return. It's not possible after the bond has been severed, destroyed in this way. I just can't go back. Of course, that would require for her to even want it. I don't think that's ever going to happen because it's hard to admit one's faults. It's easier to go on and try to forget.

I hope she finds her peace. I hope her country finds its peace. And I hope her life will be better after me because I want nothing but the best for her. Always.

Date: 2013-06-01 06:03 pm (UTC)
casey270: tommy wineglass (Default)
From: [personal profile] casey270
reading this really broke my heart.

i know people part ways sometimes, but i tend to hold people i like closely & tightly. it's always hard when they just evaporate overnight & you're left holding nothing. it makes you feel all empty inside

Date: 2013-06-01 06:13 pm (UTC)
leela_cat: ghostly black cat stretches (Default)
From: [personal profile] leela_cat
♥ hugs ♥

You are a very special person.

Date: 2013-06-01 06:34 pm (UTC)
leela_cat: ghostly black cat stretches (Default)
From: [personal profile] leela_cat
You are far from useless, in my book. You are necessary.

<333333333

Date: 2013-06-01 07:38 pm (UTC)
wynkat: (cat - flower)
From: [personal profile] wynkat
*hugs* I'm so sorry this happened.

Date: 2013-06-01 09:18 pm (UTC)
thraceadams: (Dr Who Donna You are not alone)
From: [personal profile] thraceadams
*HUGS YOU HARD*

You have such a huge heart, it is a treasure to me that you are my friend. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

There is nothing wrong with questioning things, I truly believe that is one of our purposes in life - to question and to seek answers.

Anyway, you wrote some beautiful words here and it made my heart ache for you.

I love you lots bb.

*massive hugs*

Date: 2013-06-01 09:58 pm (UTC)
arianne_maya: (Default)
From: [personal profile] arianne_maya
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this and that it hurt you that bad.

I love your way of looking at life and how easy you can share it.

*hugs you tight*

Date: 2013-06-01 11:10 pm (UTC)
hannabec: Tommy solo knees (Tommy)
From: [personal profile] hannabec
You need to be true to yourself. If someone can't accept that in you, they probably aren't good for you.

I'm sorry you lost your friend. You're a wonderful person...creative, kind, fun, sweet. While I understand your loss and am sorry about it, this is her loss too, leaving a friend like you.

It seems as though she has many things to work out in her life, and she maybe doesn't have the environment to do that completely. I wish her luck too.
*hugs*

Date: 2013-06-02 03:12 am (UTC)
jeweledvixen: (A Adam BTIKM Lighter)
From: [personal profile] jeweledvixen
I'm so sorry. It's hard to lose someone you're so close to. And you're right - it's never the same trying to go back to the way things were. It's better to just move on and make new friends. **HUGS**

Date: 2013-06-03 07:33 am (UTC)
jeweledvixen: (A Adam BTIKM Lighter)
From: [personal profile] jeweledvixen
I can empathize with you. My sister betrayed me, then cut me off. We reconciled, but it was never the same. I finally realized that I had to sever all contact with her and move on. She was dragging me down and making me feel so depressed and worthless. We haven't spoken in a year and I am doing so much better emotionally.

I wish you luck in forgiving and forgetting and being civil. Those things are hard. **HUGS** <33333

Date: 2013-06-03 03:43 am (UTC)
vlredreign: (Default)
From: [personal profile] vlredreign
I caught part of the Twitter thing that happened, and I was mostly shaking my head at the bull-headedness that was going on. The fact that you, one of the nicest people I know, had to go through this in this way pisses me off. On you behalf, that is.

The fact that you can be this gracious about what happened shows your character. And it is strong, never doubt that. *hugs*

Date: 2013-06-03 07:10 pm (UTC)
vlredreign: (Default)
From: [personal profile] vlredreign
If anyone has a reason to bitch about the struggles their people have been through, it's me. But I don't. Know why? It wouldn't solve a thing.

The more I'm online, the more I see people pearl-clutching at the most over the top things. There's a time to be outraged over slights, and a time to step back and access the perceived slight before wading in. With regards to Adam and his outfit for the show he did, it was based on fictional characters. That would be like me getting pissed about someone dressing up like Celie from The Color Purple. Are they making fun of black women, or are they celebrating a literary character? Was it outside of a themed event, were they walking around town dressed this way?

Basically, it's not always about 'you'.

You can have differences of opinion, but when you use those differences to berate someone without considering their point of view, then maybe you need to sort out your priorities. Just sayin.

Date: 2013-06-03 08:17 pm (UTC)
vlredreign: (Default)
From: [personal profile] vlredreign
*hugs*

Please understand when I said 'it's not about you' I meant 'you' in general, not you specifically.

I appreciate you telling me about your country and its struggles (Finland, right?). We only learn when we understand. Being from a country that is often called to war, or making war on another, I believe that as a country, we've forgotten what it is to fight for independence. It's a lot different than fighting to avenge an attack (aka 9/11). But the very nature of war, to me, is and has always been a 'who's got the biggest dick' contest. Between the flexing of muscles and the fighting in the name of a god, I don't think there's been a decade that someone in the world hasn't been at war.

You know plenty about oppression, I think. You know your country's history. Oppression is in the eye of the beholder. We all have had times when we've been there, whether culturally or sexually or in regards to gender. Opening the dialogue is how we fix it, not grabbing our toys and stomping off the playground.

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