A Problem

Jun. 25th, 2013 11:11 pm
moodwriter: (Default)
I'm unable to sleep at the moment. This is the second night in a row.

Tonight I can't sleep because I'm actually stressing over my coworker. I like her. She's kind, hardworking, and harmless, meaning that she never tries to create any drama.

She is also very very insecure. Which means that she comes to me with every little problem. And I mean it's constant. Every single day.

And it's actually starting to bother me quite a lot. Especially since I don't have a lot of patience. I'm very temperamental, have always been, but I try to reign it. I try not to direct it towards people. I try to pull my irritation back as much as I can, but I know it's leaking through, and I don't want her to feel like she can't approach me with things that she's not sure about.

But she's been working there for over five years. I started last August. Why does she need confirmation for every little thing?

I know I take responsibility. I know I'm fast at finding out things. I know I know a lot of things. But I learned because I decided to find out. You won't learn if you always ask for help. You never remember if you rely on someone else. You never start to trust your own judgment if you always ask permission/confirmation.

It's very important to ask questions and realize that you don't know everything. But it's also equally important to look for the answers first and only after looking, turning for someone else.

I don't know how to teach her confidence, or if it's even my place to do that. But I'm starting to get so irritated that even her way of huffing and puffing annoys me. I know when she's walking towards my room and not towards the printer. And everything is starting to annoying me. And I don't want to be annoyed by her, but I don't know how to stop her from constantly relying on me. I'm ten years younger than her. I wasn't this confident and knowledgeable three years ago. I just made a decision to learn. How can I make her see that she can too? Or how can I stop her from driving me absolutely crazy with her constant interruption. Argh!
moodwriter: (Default)
Unfortunately we can't read minds. That would solve quite a few marital problems too.

I'm writing this because my own communication skills have taken a hit lately, and I don't trust my instincts anymore. This is not against anyone, and I'm not trying to right a wrong or change anything. This is just a heartfelt plea for the importance of communication.

It's not always easy to hear that you've done something wrong, or that the way you express yourself is not clear enough, or that you're overreacting.

I've come across a lot of people who've been able to have wonderful conversations about all things under the sky and beyond. One of them is a dear, dear friend who started to act disrespectfully towards me at one point.

He can be utterly frustrating, even now, but it was never that. He just started to act like I don't matter even though we had been friends for years. Suddenly, everything I did was meaningless, stupid, and my opinions were next to worthless. I confronted him about this because it became hurtful, so much so that even my husband reacted to it, and he's often very mellow about things.

Instead of attacking each other we started to solve the situation. He said that he had started to get annoyed with me because I kept ranting about scientific things (I had studied university level courses and I was so excited about them that I actually became condescending towards him - or at least that's how it felt to him). He hadn't realized how he had acted out, and I think it was the time my husband said to him that he can't act like that when he finally realized that something was wrong.

We talked. We went through the whole thing, and finally found a mutual understanding about it. And today, he's still one of my closest, dearest friends, and he's always the one I go to when I need guidance in my life. He loves me; I love him. Nothing changed, except we stopped being asses towards each other. Because we talked. Because we didn't sit on the high horse. Because we admitted that there was something wrong.

We can't read each other's minds so it's important to say: this hurt me.

It's also important to try to find the common ground because even if we can't stay together, we've respected each other enough as human beings, and that's important. To me, at least.

We deserve to be treated well, even if we don't always agree.
moodwriter: (Tommy_sad)
I lost a dear friend this week. I'm not certain exactly when because she never told me why, but I believe it's because she thought I didn't see that she was right about something. When I'm on twitter, and I trust and love someone, I don't usually sugar-coat everything I say because I know these people know the true me and see that what I say there isn't everything I'm saying. And if something is unclear, they'll ask about it later. I hardly ever see anything as black and white. I hardly ever think that I know something better than someone else. There are a few things in this world I'm certain about and those are these:

1. “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.”
― Dalai Lama

2. There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.
- Dalai Lama

Everything else in this world is merely something humans come up with in their minds to make their daily lives easier for themselves.

I have a researcher's mind. I don't believe anything at face value. I don't think that if someone has written about something it must be true. And I certainly don't think that if something someone else has written agrees well with my own thoughts that it's the absolute truth.

The science about human relations is never exact because it's so hard to study. We gather evidence and we make hypotheses. We try to prove that something is what we think it is. For a long while some people actually believed that people are scared because their body reacts that way. Behaviorists saw the human mind as something irrelevant because you can't really study the mind properly. But you can study the body. And you get exact science out of it because it's measurable. Measurable data doesn't mean that you're interpreting it correctly or that it's explaining the cause of something you're studying.

This is why I always question everything that people think is the exact truth.

I had a conversation once about how the genders differ from each other. The woman was dead set that she didn't have strict ideas about gender roles, but yet, she still had very strong ideas of what is feminine and what is masculine. I gave her examples of studies in matriarchal societies where they didn't find the same differences they find in our current society. She asked me: "Do you mean it would be better if we lived in a matriarchal society?" No, I meant that even many of the characteristics we've proven to be different in the genders are that only because we live in a patriarchal society. The only way I managed to make her see that we should be a little careful of what we think are truly gender differences was when I said that at some point, it was very common to believe that women's minds can't handle scientific knowledge and that's why they shouldn't be allowed to study in universities. Nowadays, it's considered a problem especially in Finland that there are more women studying in universities than men and women are doing better in school in general than men.

So this is the mindset I come from. This is me. Nothing is true to me until it's proven, and not even then because we've managed to prove things that haven't been true. I will question every idea people have ever created. It's not an offense against you. It's just how my mind works. And I always try to be polite about my differing opinion, and I never think that your opinion is invalid. I will think it's your opinion though because it's not the whole truth, and never will be because the human society is a very complex one. It's not just your side and my side. Or it shouldn't be. All knowledge, in my opinion, should be about finding ways to coexist.

Anyway, this is a goodbye. I will miss her for the rest of my life. I will never understand this decision, and especially the way this was handled. I will forgive, though, because I can't hold a grudge. I'm just not capable of that. But I will never return. It's not possible after the bond has been severed, destroyed in this way. I just can't go back. Of course, that would require for her to even want it. I don't think that's ever going to happen because it's hard to admit one's faults. It's easier to go on and try to forget.

I hope she finds her peace. I hope her country finds its peace. And I hope her life will be better after me because I want nothing but the best for her. Always.
moodwriter: (Default)
The one thing I've learned from watching The Biggest Loser (yes, I'm addicted and I'm not even embarrassed about it) is "Finish what you started".

So that's what I did today when I went to the entrance exam of the university I so want to get into. Quite a few things were against me:
- my friend's 1,5 week visit was right in the middle of my two month reading period (we get the material only two months before the exam)
- I learned about the problems my brother has with his wife and family, and I had a few sleepless nights because of that
- I got really sick on the last week, and couldn't read most of that time
- I couldn't sleep for two nights right before the exam because I was coughing so much
- I was still very sick today when I did the exam, coughing the whole time, my nose so stuffy it's hard to breathe

I wanted to give up because it felt so useless to try. I really needed the last week for preparing to the exam, but the sickness prevented me from doing most of the work.

I went to the exam anyway and did my best. I have no idea if it was enough, but I'm really proud of myself for finishing what I started and not giving up. I didn't give it my all because I could've read more before, but when I went to the exam I really did give it my all. I did my best in these circumstances and that's enough. I think I already won. :P

Because a year ago, I would've given up. This time, I went all the way. :)
moodwriter: (Tommy_vampire)
I've been creating art ever since I found the wonderful Pixlr tool. It's not perfect, but it's fun. I know I don't really know any fancy tricks, and there are still things I dearly miss (blending for example), but I have a bit of eye for art. Not much but a bit, and I enjoy it a lot. I'm participating in TJRBB as a writer and an art-maker and hopefully, I'll manage to make something I'll be proud of.

Here are a few of my personal favorites )


So yeah, those are my favorites. Hopefully I'll manage to do something pretty for someone else. No pressure. :P
moodwriter: (AdamTommy)
Here's the art set of Monster Within. Toobusy2write wrote an amazing fic to this art, and I couldn't have asked for more! Perfect, beautiful story. Here's the link to it: AO3! A must read!



More art )
moodwriter: (Default)
Here is the art for Hic Et Nunc.




More art here )
moodwriter: (Default)
This is one of the favorite banners I've made so far. <3 My second revealed set:



Here be rest of the art )
moodwriter: (Tommy_bat)
Here's my second (I guess this is now first since it's the first one I'm revealing, hahah) set for GRBB: Time Changes Everything.




More art here )
moodwriter: (Default)
My first boyfriend left me for my friend. My second boyfriend was an abusive asshole who told me I'm an evil witch (he meant it literally). He left me for a bimbo blond who had a nice ass. My third boyfriend left me because I was too young and stupid and wouldn't sleep with him.

That's just my teenage years. :)

I really didn't have any luck with boyfriends. I should've found a sweet girl back then. That's my only regret: that I didn't realize early enough that I like both. Now, I'd have that experience.

Anyway, my fourth boyfriend started dating me because the girl he liked wasn't interested in him. I worshiped the ground under his feet, and I agreed to anything to keep him. He wanted an open relationship. Oh, and his mother was from Hell. Seriously, what a hag. She made me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit, trying to steal her son from her. That was an interesting five years. He was so wonderful, but he never loved me enough. And then, I fell for a Swedish guy, told my ex I could use that open relationship card now, and had an affair with the guy. With the help of that crazy relationship I pulled myself out of the one that was slowly squeezing all life out of me.

My fifth on-and-off-boyfriend was that Swedish guy. He broke up with me right after we started dating, right after I'd broken up with my boyfriend. That was a low blow. He still wanted to see me for sex though. And since I didn't have anything else and I was broken and bleeding all over my insides I agreed to that. We saw each other for a year.

And while I was seeing that Swedish guy (for sex) I finally realized that I've been looking at someone for three years, that he's been right under my nose all this time... And I finally gave a chance to my husband... Okay, show me what real love is.

All my relationships could've worked if the person had loved me back. Nobody else did except my husband, not the way I need to be loved.

Still, the ex with an awful mother wanted to make a baby with me so I would never disappear from his life (we didn't). And I've had people calling me years after, telling me that you were the one, or you were right, or I should've held onto you. A little too late.

What I'm saying is... Yeah, I've seen many sides of relationships, and all of them have left scars. I've been treated very badly by people I loved. But I think I've always been aware of one thing: nobody else defines my worth. That's why, at some point of my life, I've been able to leave things behind. When I started dating that abusive bastard who actually did hit me and made me feel like I was the ugliest stupidest person in this world I told my best friend back then: "I know the way he is, but I want to experience this." It took me to go through all those bad experiences until I was ready to say: "Okay, let me see something good for a change."

It's still very hard for me to accept that I can have a good life. It's much easier for me to suffer and take all the pain. I feel so guilty about happiness. Still.

But I think it's a huge step to the right direction that I don't want to experience all the awful things first hand to understand people better. I'm now willing to learn from other people's experiences too.
moodwriter: (Default)
I wrote this message yesterday, then deleted it. This is one of the only subjects I don’t really like to talk about because I’m always unsure how people will react. The reason why I want to write about this is that I think someone might gain something from it. I have a quirky world view, and it’s helped me a lot during the years.

I always say I haven’t suffered a lot. In all honesty, I don’t know if it is true. I just feel like it because the way I see life affects to the way I suffer. I can’t say I know how others look at life, or if there even is a more common way of looking at life. It’s possible that all seven billion of us have a different view, and there’s nothing common about it. Even though we’re children of our parents, and even though we learn from people older than us, we still think for ourselves – most of the time. Hopefully.

This is not me saying it’s the only right way to look at things, or that it’s the best way to look at things. This is me saying: the world I see is both terribly heavy and terribly light, and I appreciate standing in the middle of that pressure.

I’m not religious. I don’t think I’m even spiritual anymore. I’m soft to the world and its beings. That’s probably the biggest truth about me. I don’t have anything guiding me in this world. I don’t follow any dogma. What I feel is what’s inside me. It took me forever to realize that what I’m looking for is not anywhere anyone else has ever written. It’s in me. And I’m not saying it’s anything what people call religion or god or spirit or zen or enlightenment. It’s just the knowledge that you’re good enough just the way you are.

So that said, I want to talk about how I see life and death. )

Warnings

Jan. 25th, 2013 10:21 am
moodwriter: (Tommy_bat)
I want to write about warnings because I’m so bad at them. Wanna know why? Because I come from the world of book reading and there are no warnings there. I know I have to warn for rape, death, graphic sex, violence, underage, and graphic kink, but beyond that I have no idea how to warn.

To be honest, I don’t even understand warnings because I don’t need them (and it’s not because I don’t have ugly fears or nasty experiences). The only warnings I do need are rape and death of a main character (and well, anything to do with child abuse, but I wouldn't read that anyway). Beyond that, I can handle my feelings, and even if those come out of the blue, I’ll know if I trust the author enough to take me through those things.

When I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (spoiler alert) the rape scene made me stop reading for a moment. I could barely read through it. I had no idea it was going to happen that violently and graphically even though I knew the theme of the book. I trusted the author, though, and he walked me through it and gave me a satisfying and cathartic conclusion.

I read because I want to feel. Sometimes I feel negative things that make me hurt. I want to feel those things too because through words it’s safe. It helps me deal with things in real life.

So when it comes to warnings, I think there is a limit to what needs to be warned for. I was pretty baffled when Zimothy was asked to warn for transphobia in Prince Among Wolves. I was also baffled when I was asked to warn for bloodplay in Wolf Cub. I would’ve warned for bloodplay if I had used knives and if the whole thing had meant to be bloodplay. Since it was a werewolf scratching his mate I had no idea someone would be sensitive to that. Werewolves, in my mind, equal the possibility of violence, blood, and animal-like behavior, just like vampires do. It’s implied that the stories might have more icky stuff.

People have different kinds of breaking points, but if you’re very sensitive to things then it’s probably not the author’s responsibility anymore to warn for everything. We don’t know what might trigger someone. You know what triggers you. If the triggers go beyond what’s easily warnable (that’s a word!!) then I suggest that you have a friend to preread for you, or that you stick to authors you trust, and read more fluff and less things tagged with violence and graphic sex.

I never want to hurt anyone, but since I don’t understand all the possible things that might trigger people I think it’s necessary for people to protect themselves too and not rely on others to warn for the right stuff.

Also, my first experience with warnings is a traumatic one. I come from the Harry Potter family, and I spent my first fanfiction years on a site that required us to warn for slash. The site also had no slash pairings, but of course they weren’t homophobic. They just wanted to make sure the site was safe for children, and that nobody would accidentally stumble on slash and be appalled by it. Until this day, I haven’t understood how same sex pairings are not child-safe if the ratings are right.

That’s my two cents about warnings. I know I should be better at tagging my stories, and I try to remember to warn for things, but I can’t always come up with the things that might hurt other people. I write a lot of angst. I write pain and raw emotions. I write sad and bittersweet stuff. I can’t always promise a happy ending. I know I don’t make it easy for my readers, and I don’t even want to. What I want to do with my words is to make you feel all the sides of life, the good and the bad. Sometimes awful things happen to good people. Through stories, it’s safe to go through them.
moodwriter: (Tommy_vampire)
I'm going to be truly honest here. This might even become pathetic. I apologize for that.

So, my friend just finished her third draft, and that's sitting on my desk waiting to be read. Once we pre-readers have read it, my friend will send it to an agent (or several).

One of my favorite authors in this fandom got published. I honestly couldn't be happier about this. She deserves it like crazy.

But when the "competition" is like this, these amazing writers who are a million times better than I am, and I never even manage to finish anything I write... I feel like I'm never ever going to be able to do what I want: get published.

For some reason it sank in yesterday. There's nothing I want more than to write books, tell stories. I don't really want to do anything else with my life. I've been wallowing in this depressing feeling these past few days, and it's so bad right now that all I do is cry when I get the chance. I'm home alone now so I can cry as much as I want.

Written down like this... It makes me laugh because I'm being silly. Either I do something about this - start finishing those original things I've created - or feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life. I know which one I'm going to choose, but it's not the easy path.

I genuinely suck. I'm not a native speaker. I don't have a fancy education to back me up. I've never finished anything that isn't fanfiction. The confidence I have is not enough. It's very easy to hurt me (breaking me is a lot harder, though). I'm not good enough. But I'm going to finish a short story in February, and I'm going to finish that pirate story this year. It's a promise.


ETA: I just read that pirate story, and gosh, it's good. Now I want to finish it. :) I'll be answering comments tomorrow. Now sleep. Thank you so much for your support. You guys are the best. <3
moodwriter: (Default)
This is for Arami and her story Music of the Heart. It was all part of TW Big Bang. Go give her lots of love!

Summary: Monsters of the week take a back seat to Stiles and Derek, arguing about Stiles' bad music tastes, Stiles seeing fit to keep annoying Derek with it, and how their relationship changes and grows despite it.



Read more... )



Read more... )



moodwriter: (Default)
Title: How I Met You, Epilogue
Author: moodwriter
Beta: [profile] aislinntlc
Genre: angst, romance, high school AU
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Word Count: 4400 words (this part)
Rating: NC-17 (this part)
Warnings: language, sexual scenes
Summary: Adam has done something stupid, and the whole school laughs at him. Tommy has just moved to San Diego with his parents, and he chooses the outcast over popularity because that's just his way.
Disclaimer: AU liberates me from my responsibility to tell you that this is not real. :D Mwahahahaaaaa. Anyway, this is fiction.
Prompt: College and HS AUs are my fav! But that's all I got lol So that was [personal profile] vegas1024's prompt for me way back when. I've been slowly writing all these prompts, and this one gets its chance now. Hopefully you'll like it. :)

How I Met You, Epilogue )
moodwriter: (Default)
Title: How I Met You, Part Twenty-four
Author: moodwriter
Beta: [profile] aislinntlc
Genre: angst, romance, high school AU
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Word Count: 2500 words (this part)
Rating: PG-13 (this part)
Warnings: language
Summary: Adam has done something stupid, and the whole school laughs at him. Tommy has just moved to San Diego with his parents, and he chooses the outcast over popularity because that's just his way.
Disclaimer: AU liberates me from my responsibility to tell you that this is not real. :D Mwahahahaaaaa. Anyway, this is fiction.
Prompt: College and HS AUs are my fav! But that's all I got lol So that was [personal profile] vegas1024's prompt for me way back when. I've been slowly writing all these prompts, and this one gets its chance now. Hopefully you'll like it. :)

How I Met You, Part Twenty-four )
moodwriter: (Default)
Title: How I Met You, Part Twenty-three
Author: moodwriter
Beta: [profile] aislinntlc
Genre: angst, romance, high school AU
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Word Count: 2591 words (this part)
Rating: NC-17 (this part)
Warnings: language, sexual scenes
Summary: Adam has done something stupid, and the whole school laughs at him. Tommy has just moved to San Diego with his parents, and he chooses the outcast over popularity because that's just his way.
Disclaimer: AU liberates me from my responsibility to tell you that this is not real. :D Mwahahahaaaaa. Anyway, this is fiction.
Prompt: College and HS AUs are my fav! But that's all I got lol So that was [personal profile] vegas1024's prompt for me way back when. I've been slowly writing all these prompts, and this one gets its chance now. Hopefully you'll like it. :)

How I Met You, Part Twenty-three )
moodwriter: (Default)
Title: How I Met You, Part Twenty-two
Author: moodwriter
Beta: [profile] aislinntlc
Genre: angst, romance, high school AU
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Word Count: 1650 words (this part)
Rating: R (this part)
Warnings: language, sexual scenes
Summary: Adam has done something stupid, and the whole school laughs at him. Tommy has just moved to San Diego with his parents, and he chooses the outcast over popularity because that's just his way.
Disclaimer: AU liberates me from my responsibility to tell you that this is not real. :D Mwahahahaaaaa. Anyway, this is fiction.
Prompt: College and HS AUs are my fav! But that's all I got lol So that was [personal profile] vegas1024's prompt for me way back when. I've been slowly writing all these prompts, and this one gets its chance now. Hopefully you'll like it. :)

How I Met You, Part Twenty-two )
moodwriter: (Default)
Title: How I Met You, Part Twenty-one
Author: moodwriter
Beta: [profile] aislinntlc
Genre: angst, romance, high school AU
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Word Count: 2280 words (this part)
Rating: PG-13 (this part)
Warnings: language
Summary: Adam has done something stupid, and the whole school laughs at him. Tommy has just moved to San Diego with his parents, and he chooses the outcast over popularity because that's just his way.
Disclaimer: AU liberates me from my responsibility to tell you that this is not real. :D Mwahahahaaaaa. Anyway, this is fiction.
Prompt: College and HS AUs are my fav! But that's all I got lol So that was [personal profile] vegas1024's prompt for me way back when. I've been slowly writing all these prompts, and this one gets its chance now. Hopefully you'll like it. :)

How I Met You, Part Twenty-one )
moodwriter: (Default)
Title: How I Met You, Part Twenty
Author: moodwriter
Beta: [profile] aislinntlc
Genre: angst, romance, high school AU
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Word Count: 2600 words (this part)
Rating: NC-17 (this part)
Warnings: language, sexual scenes
Summary: Adam has done something stupid, and the whole school laughs at him. Tommy has just moved to San Diego with his parents, and he chooses the outcast over popularity because that's just his way.
Disclaimer: AU liberates me from my responsibility to tell you that this is not real. :D Mwahahahaaaaa. Anyway, this is fiction.
Prompt: College and HS AUs are my fav! But that's all I got lol So that was [personal profile] vegas1024's prompt for me way back when. I've been slowly writing all these prompts, and this one gets its chance now. Hopefully you'll like it. :)

How I Met You, Part Twenty )
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