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I stole this from [personal profile] batdina. :)

1. How old will you be in 10 months?
38

2. Do you think you'll be married by then?
Well, yes, because I'm already married.

3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months?
Seeing if we can have a baby or not.

4. Who was the last person you called?
My husband.

5. Who was the last person to call you?
My mother

6. Do you prefer to call or text?
I never call if I can avoid it. I text.

Read more... )
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We've been in Japan for a week, and it's been awesome. It's also been weird because this time, the masses of people have been more overwhelming than before. Nevertheless, this vacation in Japan is everything I hoped it would be - and more.

Yesterday, we spent the evening with a Japanese guy in an Okinawan restaurant. He has just returned from Finland with his family after living there for a few years. He just randomly started talking to us in a Ramen restaurant because he heard us speaking Finnish. We also went to see cherry blossoms in Ueno Park yesterday, and got stopped by a few drunk guys who wanted to take pictures with us foreigners. Cherry blossom season is to Japanese like Vappu is to the Finnish people.

So far, we've mainly been eating. :) We've also done some shopping and sightseeing, and have booked our trip to Osaka. We'll be there for four days.

We'll go to the Ghibli museum, too. Finally booked the tickets for that.

Here be pictures:

Read more... )
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Everything is not going smoothly considering our trip, but I won't let that get me down. The last time we went to Japan, a volcano erupted, and we couldn't take off. We had to wait for a week, but fortunately we were able to go finally. This time I'm very cautious because you never know. I can't be excited until we touch the ground.

Traveling to Japan is like going home for me. The first time I walked the streets of Kyoto, I felt like someone finally understood me. The way Japanese people behave and how the culture is constructed is so me I can't even begin to explain it. And I'm not saying I understand everything, or that everything Japanese is so much cooler than the rest of the world. No. I don't really have fantasy ideas about Japan because I've read too much and I know too much. It's not that.

It's the way people behave. It's absolutely natural in Japanese culture to take the other person into consideration every time you do something. It's a collective culture, and my heart is a collective heart. I always feel at home there because Japanese people treat others the way that feels the most natural to me.

I also love the hustle and bustle of the city because people don't run into you or push you or treat you like a nuisance. Tokyo is a big city, and it's a busy city, but it never feels like you're in someone's way. People co-exist.

We'll be going in four days, and I'm sick. I have an insane amount of work to do before we leave, and I need to take the car for a check up, clean the house because my husband's parents come here to take care of the dog, and I still need to wash all the clothes and pack. It's not going to be fun. I hoped that the flu would go away during the weekend, but it's actually getting worse. I have a tooth ache, too. So yeah, not going too well at the moment, but I'm determined not to care. I'm going to be on that plane on Thursday, and we're going to land safely to Narita, and we're going to have a blast for four weeks. :) If everything goes sour I'll deal with that too, but right now, I want to believe that everything goes smoothly. Japan is my second home. I've missed it terribly.

The contrasts of Japan )
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“Don’t ever assume that your students are like you, but younger. If you are an academic you were never a normal student.” Paul Francis

That quote made me go: "What? That's not true."

I was always an average student, never shining in anything but arts, religion, and writing, and maybe a bit in music too. I did exactly what got me through school, nothing more. Our grading system is from 4 to 10 in grammar school and high school, and then from 1 to 5 in University and in most (if not all) vocational schools. My GPA in grammar school was 8,2 and I think it was pretty much the same in high school.

I didn't do well. I was very much a normal student because that's the average here.

Maybe I don't like it when people make higher education seem like it's impossible for normal people. It's not. If you have a normal intelligence you can go through higher education. You don't have to be wicked smart. You just have to read a bit more (or be like me and read what counts).

I don't really want to say that if I can do it you can do it, but in all honesty, I feel like it. I don't have any confidence in myself academically yet. I got through the entrance exams even though I couldn't believe that I could get in. I'm not awesome at anything. Yet, anyway. :) But I'm finding my footing in the academic world and it's very interesting.

So yes, I think you're like me, and I think you can do it too. I have every faith in you.
moodwriter: (Default)
I ran into this again... and it's just hilarious. This is my language. <3

What do you mean, 'Finnish is difficult'?

English: A dog.
Swedish: What?
English: The dog.
English: Two dogs.
Swedish:
Swedish:
Swedish: En hund, hunden.
Swedish: Två hundar, hundarna.
German:
English: No, go away.
Swedish: No one invited you.
German: Der Hund.
English: I said go away.
German: Ein Hund, zwei Hunde.
Swedish: Stop it.
German: Den Hund, einen Hund, dem Hund, einem Hund, des Hundes, eines Hundes, den Hunden, der Hunden.
Finnish: Sup.
English: NO.
Swedish: NO.
German: NO.
Finnish:
English:
German:
Swedish:
Finnish: Koira, koiran, koiraa, koiran again, koirassa, koirasta, koiraan, koiralla, koiralta, koiralle, koirana, koiraksi, koiratta, koirineen, koirin.
German:
Swedish:
Finnish:
English:
Finnish: Aaaand... koirasi, koirani, koiransa, koiramme, koiranne, koiraani, koiraasi, koiraansa, koiraamme, koiraanne, koirassani, koirassasi, koirassansa, koirassamme, koirassanne, koirastani, koirastasi, koirastansa, koirastamme, koirastanne, koirallani, koirallasi, koirallansa, koirallamme, koirallanne, koiranani, koiranasi, koiranansa, koiranamme, koirananne, koirakseni, koiraksesi, koiraksensa, koiraksemme, koiraksenne, koirattani, koirattasi, koirattansa, koirattamme, koirattanne, koirineni, koirinesi, koirinensa, koirinemme, koirinenne.
English:
Swedish:
German:
Finnish: Wait! then there's koirakaan, koirankaan, koiraakaan, koirassakaan, koirastakaan, koiraankaan, koirallakaan, koiraltakaan, koirallekaan, koiranakaan, koiraksikaan, koirattakaan, koirineenkaan, koirinkaan, koirako, koiranko, koiraako, koirassako, koirastako, koiraanko, koirallako, koiraltako, koiralleko, koiranako, koiraksiko, koirattako, koirineenko, koirinko, koirasikaan, koiranikaan, koiransakaan, koirammekaan, koirannekaan, koiraanikaan, koiraasikaan, koiraansakaan, koiraammekaan, koiraannekaan, koirassanikaan, koirassasikaan, koirassansakaan, koirassammekaan, koirassannekaan, koirastanikaan, koirastasikaan, koirastansakaan, koirastammekaan, koirastannekaan, koirallanikaan, koirallasikaan, koirallansakaan, koirallammekaan, koirallannekaan, koirananikaan, koiranasikaan, koiranansakaan, koiranammekaan, koiranannekaan, koiraksenikaan, koiraksesikaan, koiraksensakaan, koiraksemmekaan, koiraksennekaan, koirattanikaan, koirattasikaan, koirattansakaan, koirattammekaan, koirattannekaan, koirinenikaan, koirinesikaan, koirinensakaan, koirinemmekaan, koirinennekaan, koirasiko, koiraniko, koiransako, koirammeko, koiranneko, koiraaniko, koiraasiko, koiraansako, koiraammeko, koiraanneko, koirassaniko, koirassasiko, koirassansako, koirassammeko, koirassanneko, koirastaniko, koirastasiko, koirastansako, koirastammeko, koirastanneko, koirallaniko, koirallasiko, koirallansako, koirallammeko, koirallanneko, koirananiko, koiranasiko, koiranansako, koiranammeko, koirananneko, koirakseniko, koiraksesiko, koiraksensako, koiraksemmeko, koiraksenneko, koirattaniko, koirattasiko, koirattansako, koirattammeko, koirattanneko, koirineniko, koirinesiko, koirinensako, koirinemmeko, koirinenneko, koirasikaanko, koiranikaanko, koiransakaanko, koirammekaanko, koirannekaanko, koiraanikaanko, koiraasikaanko, koiraansakaanko, koiraammekaanko, koiraannekaanko, koirassanikaanko, koirassasikaanko, koirassansakaanko, koirassammekaanko, koirassannekaanko, koirastanikaanko, koirastasikaanko, koirastansakaanko, koirastammekaanko, koirastannekaanko, koirallanikaanko, koirallasikaanko, koirallansakaanko, koirallammekaanko, koirallannekaanko, koirananikaanko, koiranasikaanko, koiranansakaanko, koiranammekaanko, koiranannekaanko, koiraksenikaanko, koiraksesikaanko, koiraksensakaanko, koiraksemmekaanko, koiraksennekaanko, koirattanikaanko, koirattasikaanko, koirattansakaanko, koirattammekaanko, koirattannekaanko, koirinenikaanko, koirinesikaanko, koirinensakaanko, koirinemmekaanko, koirinennekaanko, koirasikokaan, koiranikokaan, koiransakokaan, koirammekokaan, koirannekokaan, koiraanikokaan, koiraasikokaan, koiraansakokaan, koiraammekokaan, koiraannekokaan, koirassanikokaan, koirassasikokaan, koirassansakokaan, koirassammekokaan, koirassannekokaan, koirastanikokaan, koirastasikokaan, koirastansakokaan, koirastammekokaan, koirastannekokaan, koirallanikokaan, koirallasikokaan, koirallansakokaan, koirallammekokaan, koirallannekokaan, koirananikokaan, koiranasikokaan, koiranansakokaan, koiranammekokaan, koiranannekokaan, koiraksenikokaan, koiraksesikokaan, koiraksensakokaan, koiraksemmekokaan, koiraksennekokaan, koirattanikokaan, koirattasikokaan, koirattansakokaan, koirattammekokaan, koirattannekokaan, koirinenikokaan, koirinesikokaan, koirinensakokaan, koirinemmekokaan, koirinennekokaan.
Swedish:
German:
English: Okay, now you're just making things up!
Finnish:
Finnish: And now the plural forms...

Compassion

Oct. 18th, 2013 10:47 pm
moodwriter: (Default)
I'll try to talk about this a little without making it about me, or without hurting anyone involved. My friend has given me permission to talk about this, and I have to say something because this is too heavy to carry without some outlet.

A child died. A very loved, three year old boy died. He was my friend's sister's boy.

It matters a lot to me, not just because I love my friend and anything that affects her affects me too, but because it comes so close. My parents lost their four year old boy a year before I was born. I grew up in a family that had suffered such a loss, and it's made me... loving towards people. I can't really explain how or why, but it's made me aware of the sadness in people.

I've talked with my mother a lot about my dead brother because she is the same way... Her immediate reaction is the need to help, the need to offer some affection, warmth, love, understanding... Anything to soothe the pain. So she's been telling me things, and I've shared them forward to the family who has lost their child.

Some things are solid walls. Nothing but time can help you get past them. There's nothing you can say, and you say it anyway. Because it's compassion.

I hope my words and thoughts give them something, that my love towards my friend can be felt through everything I do or say. She means the world to me, and if I could I would carry her.

To anyone who's ever suffered a loss, who's ever felt like there is no hope, I want you to know that someone always cares. Please, find that someone and let them walk with you. <3
moodwriter: (Default)
If you add the little lowly me to any equation I will tell you this:

1) It's easy
2) Anyone can learn it
3) It requires nothing special

Every single thing I've ever done feels like this to me. My husband caught me the other day when we were talking about skills, and how some things are very hard to learn if you have no talent for it. Of course with hard work you can get pretty far, but some things need something extra for you to become great in them.

Then, I said: "But I think almost anyone can learn to write if they try hard enough." and my husband said, "See what you did there again?"

Same goes with university. For the longest time, university was this entity of its own to me, this great, living, breathing organism, that I could never reach. Anyone who got there had to be somehow special.

Then I got in.

And university became a normal thing.

This is completely subconscious to me, and I react automatically like this to things, not because I have a very low self-esteem, but because... I think it has something to do with my values. I never want to see myself as better than someone else so if I achieve something I lower the value of the achieved thing. For the longest time I feared success because I feared that it would destroy the work I had put into understanding the mind and the relations between people and the meanings we give to things. I feared that it would somehow push me towards things like pride and raised self-worth, but my mind works the opposite way. The more successful I become, the more aware I am of others and their worth. This is so surprising to me because I thought I was already aware of others in a way that made me compassionate and thoughtful. I was, but there are different levels of awareness, and I'm not even close to the ones I want to be on.

So following my academic path has been the best choice I've ever made. Having the courage to pursue it even though I feared that it would make me proud... I can't even begin to explain what that means to me. By allowing myself to push through my fears, I'm also allowing myself to grow. And what's even better, I'm giving myself better tools to help other people.

I don't feel like I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing it to create a better world from the inside out. I probably can't do much, but I'll try. I'll do my very best to give all my abilities for this task. <3
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We never truly know what goes on in someone else’s life, not even in the lives of our closest people. I think that’s one of the biggest reasons why we should always treat others kindly. You may think it’s lame or that someone else’s suffering has nothing to do with you, but we create the world around us. We are the society. We are the laws and the rules. We are also the love and kindness we show to others.

The wars and other horrible things happening in this world are not the only things that are unbelievable, awful, or cruel. We’re cruel on a daily basis. We say awful things about others. We treat others like they are below us. We act indifferent. Or we actively create situations where we can lash out and hurt others. Why we do that is beyond me.

I know I can’t change the world. I can’t bring back people who die too early, way too early. I can’t stop wars. I can’t stop people from mindlessly killing each other. I can’t stand between people and pain. What I can do is never actively hurt anyone. I can always think of someone else as a person like me, worthy, lovable, full of feelings, dreams, and lost things. I can choose to do good. I can choose to be kind.
moodwriter: (Default)
I try not to excuse my own bad behavior. If I act like an asshole I apologize, and try not to do it again. It's not a part of who I am if I do something that is not nice.

You don't have to tolerate my unkind actions. My being nasty has nothing to do with my right to be myself. If I act badly it's an act against someone else.

This is one of those things I can't stand: when people say that others just have to tolerate them because they are who they are. Your actions are not a permanent part of you. You can change the way you behave. Of course it's difficult, and of course it's not fun to work on your faults, but it makes life easier eventually - for others and for you.

Every time I see someone say that others just have to accept their not-so-nice-side I think: "You just don't want to work on your faults. You don't want to grow and become a better person."

It's laziness. And it's arrogance too because it means you don't care that others have to take your shit. And not just have to but should. Because otherwise they are not your real friends/family.

Real friends and family tell you when your behavior sucks. <3
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Terry Pratchett is one of my all time favorite writers. He's also an amazing person. He has Alzheimer's disease. It breaks my heart.



That's something he did awhile ago because he loves orangutans. One of his characters in Discworld is an orangutan.

Anyway, when I watched that it broke my heart for two reasons: 1. His brilliant mind is slowly disappearing and 2. We're killing our planet so damn fast.


Sometimes I think I can do nothing good in this world because it's not going to be enough. The things that are messed up are so big they are impossible challenges.

Then again, I can do nothing but try the best I can. So what if I can't save the entire world? I can make a difference through my words, through my research work, through the kindness of my heart. There really isn't any other way. I just have to accept that I'm a tiny part of this massive and insane world, and that I can't fix everything. Still, the massiveness of the problems sometimes overwhelms me, like yesterday when I watched that. I wish I could save his mind. I wish I could save the rain forests. I wish I could stop wars.

Instead, I'm going to write stories and study hard and be kind to others every single day.

But god, it's so frustrating sometimes.

Delighted

Aug. 6th, 2013 01:58 pm
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There's something about happiness that is always catching. When people are soft and generous I feel like the world is smiling with us. :)


I have this intense love inside me for all living things, and it never goes away even if I'm feeling hurt and broken. It's good to know that because I wouldn't want to be kind only when I'm feeling good.

Although, I can be petty too. :P

I have a darling friend who is a lot like me. We are like different sides of the same coin, or maybe just separate parts of the same pattern of lace. Anyway, talking with her is sometimes funny because I can say something and she says "I know" or she can say something and I say "I know" because our ways of experiencing things are very similar. The differences surface when we deal with things that are hurtful/negative/bad for us. We're equally curious about strange, hurtful things, but where I understand almost endlessly she pokes at things with a stick and if the thing is still moving she'll kick it out. I might try to revive it just to see if it can learn to be a better thing.

She is my go-to person. Has always been. Because I take a lot of shit in this world for no reason except my need to understand and for the crazy fact that it takes me forever to realize that someone is being an ass towards me. I don't understand easily that I'm being hurt, unless it's a direct attack. Subtle things go over my head. And well, she sees things, pokes at them, and helps me see too. She allows me to get angry through all that understanding and loving and endless forgiving. I'm very very grateful for that because sometimes, I can be really dense.

So, I'm delighted because I can mirror myself against her. We are similar enough in certain ways that it's like looking into a real mirror, and then different enough that I can see the world from another angle. She completes me.

Life is such a strange little experiment. :P

Dreams

Aug. 1st, 2013 03:03 pm
moodwriter: (Default)
I'm a slow-burning person. I have very little energy although I'm a smile-bot. I'm open and talkative when the attention is somewhere other than myself. I turn into a shy person when the attention turns to me.

This is also why I've had such a hard time shining. I don't want to draw attention to myself. But I have dreams, and those dreams involve putting myself out there in the form of words. I am the words I write. I am that naive child, or that worldly philosopher. I am all the words and all the feelings, the good and the bad, the pathetic and the sad. And the more I write, the less I fear putting myself out there.

Writing is not my only dream, though. I want to get a degree in behavioral sciences, PhD to be exact. This dream is now closer than ever because I managed to pass the entrance exam, and I'm a university student. It shouldn't take me more than 4 years to get my Masters degree, and I'll be doing the PhD right after that.

There is so much more room inside me now that this door has opened. I am a whole new person even though at first I didn't feel any different. I always thought that I would feel somehow smarter if I managed to pass the exam. Nope, I don't. But I feel lighter. I've been carrying this dream since I was twenty. 17 years is a long time to wonder how I could pass the exam that is impossible to me. I had made it impossible to myself, and in the end, it was easy. This is how we fool ourselves. We think we can't do something because:

1. We're too old
2. We're too stupid
3. We're too weak
4. We're not good enough
5. There are so many others who are better at everything

The list is endless, and all those are lies. Yes, I couldn't become a prima ballerina, not at 36, but I can tweak my dreams and find the things that are possible to me. And the possibilities really are endless. We only have to find a way.

I'll be studying while working. I'll also write while I study and work. I might even consider having a baby while I study, work and write. I don't feel pressured by this. For some reason, I feel the kind of peace I've never felt before. I have some direction now. I'm not just hoping and dreaming. I'm also doing.

I am very slow. Most women my age already have children. I still don't know if I want any or if I can be a parent. Most women my age have their degree. I'm just starting mine, the dream one. I do have a mortgage and I'm married, and I do know some things I want to achieve when I finally grow up, but there is an endless open field ahead of me that has nothing solid there. Just something, nothing planned, just shadow dreams.

I'm okay with that. :)
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You know, sorrow is a deep feeling. It stays with you for a long time even if you get on with your life. I miss my friend, the one I lost, and the more time goes by, the more I remember things. Adam is deeply connected with her, especially songs like Outlaws of Love, Underneath, and WWFM. Especially the last one.

So now when I listen to Adam I often get flashes of her, of us, together.

It's so weird how this goes, how memories work, how little it matters in the end how you're treated because what you do is miss someone. It's just an ache. It hurts. And it still makes me cry.

I don't want to get rid of these feelings, but I don't want to hold onto them either. And in a way, I'm really happy I'm feeling so much. I mostly feel deeply content in my life, and I forget easily. I don't carry things with me. So it's good to know that things can affect me this much. It means they are real.

So yes, I miss her.

A Problem

Jun. 25th, 2013 11:11 pm
moodwriter: (Default)
I'm unable to sleep at the moment. This is the second night in a row.

Tonight I can't sleep because I'm actually stressing over my coworker. I like her. She's kind, hardworking, and harmless, meaning that she never tries to create any drama.

She is also very very insecure. Which means that she comes to me with every little problem. And I mean it's constant. Every single day.

And it's actually starting to bother me quite a lot. Especially since I don't have a lot of patience. I'm very temperamental, have always been, but I try to reign it. I try not to direct it towards people. I try to pull my irritation back as much as I can, but I know it's leaking through, and I don't want her to feel like she can't approach me with things that she's not sure about.

But she's been working there for over five years. I started last August. Why does she need confirmation for every little thing?

I know I take responsibility. I know I'm fast at finding out things. I know I know a lot of things. But I learned because I decided to find out. You won't learn if you always ask for help. You never remember if you rely on someone else. You never start to trust your own judgment if you always ask permission/confirmation.

It's very important to ask questions and realize that you don't know everything. But it's also equally important to look for the answers first and only after looking, turning for someone else.

I don't know how to teach her confidence, or if it's even my place to do that. But I'm starting to get so irritated that even her way of huffing and puffing annoys me. I know when she's walking towards my room and not towards the printer. And everything is starting to annoying me. And I don't want to be annoyed by her, but I don't know how to stop her from constantly relying on me. I'm ten years younger than her. I wasn't this confident and knowledgeable three years ago. I just made a decision to learn. How can I make her see that she can too? Or how can I stop her from driving me absolutely crazy with her constant interruption. Argh!
moodwriter: (Default)
Unfortunately we can't read minds. That would solve quite a few marital problems too.

I'm writing this because my own communication skills have taken a hit lately, and I don't trust my instincts anymore. This is not against anyone, and I'm not trying to right a wrong or change anything. This is just a heartfelt plea for the importance of communication.

It's not always easy to hear that you've done something wrong, or that the way you express yourself is not clear enough, or that you're overreacting.

I've come across a lot of people who've been able to have wonderful conversations about all things under the sky and beyond. One of them is a dear, dear friend who started to act disrespectfully towards me at one point.

He can be utterly frustrating, even now, but it was never that. He just started to act like I don't matter even though we had been friends for years. Suddenly, everything I did was meaningless, stupid, and my opinions were next to worthless. I confronted him about this because it became hurtful, so much so that even my husband reacted to it, and he's often very mellow about things.

Instead of attacking each other we started to solve the situation. He said that he had started to get annoyed with me because I kept ranting about scientific things (I had studied university level courses and I was so excited about them that I actually became condescending towards him - or at least that's how it felt to him). He hadn't realized how he had acted out, and I think it was the time my husband said to him that he can't act like that when he finally realized that something was wrong.

We talked. We went through the whole thing, and finally found a mutual understanding about it. And today, he's still one of my closest, dearest friends, and he's always the one I go to when I need guidance in my life. He loves me; I love him. Nothing changed, except we stopped being asses towards each other. Because we talked. Because we didn't sit on the high horse. Because we admitted that there was something wrong.

We can't read each other's minds so it's important to say: this hurt me.

It's also important to try to find the common ground because even if we can't stay together, we've respected each other enough as human beings, and that's important. To me, at least.

We deserve to be treated well, even if we don't always agree.
moodwriter: (Tommy_sad)
I lost a dear friend this week. I'm not certain exactly when because she never told me why, but I believe it's because she thought I didn't see that she was right about something. When I'm on twitter, and I trust and love someone, I don't usually sugar-coat everything I say because I know these people know the true me and see that what I say there isn't everything I'm saying. And if something is unclear, they'll ask about it later. I hardly ever see anything as black and white. I hardly ever think that I know something better than someone else. There are a few things in this world I'm certain about and those are these:

1. “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.”
― Dalai Lama

2. There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.
- Dalai Lama

Everything else in this world is merely something humans come up with in their minds to make their daily lives easier for themselves.

I have a researcher's mind. I don't believe anything at face value. I don't think that if someone has written about something it must be true. And I certainly don't think that if something someone else has written agrees well with my own thoughts that it's the absolute truth.

The science about human relations is never exact because it's so hard to study. We gather evidence and we make hypotheses. We try to prove that something is what we think it is. For a long while some people actually believed that people are scared because their body reacts that way. Behaviorists saw the human mind as something irrelevant because you can't really study the mind properly. But you can study the body. And you get exact science out of it because it's measurable. Measurable data doesn't mean that you're interpreting it correctly or that it's explaining the cause of something you're studying.

This is why I always question everything that people think is the exact truth.

I had a conversation once about how the genders differ from each other. The woman was dead set that she didn't have strict ideas about gender roles, but yet, she still had very strong ideas of what is feminine and what is masculine. I gave her examples of studies in matriarchal societies where they didn't find the same differences they find in our current society. She asked me: "Do you mean it would be better if we lived in a matriarchal society?" No, I meant that even many of the characteristics we've proven to be different in the genders are that only because we live in a patriarchal society. The only way I managed to make her see that we should be a little careful of what we think are truly gender differences was when I said that at some point, it was very common to believe that women's minds can't handle scientific knowledge and that's why they shouldn't be allowed to study in universities. Nowadays, it's considered a problem especially in Finland that there are more women studying in universities than men and women are doing better in school in general than men.

So this is the mindset I come from. This is me. Nothing is true to me until it's proven, and not even then because we've managed to prove things that haven't been true. I will question every idea people have ever created. It's not an offense against you. It's just how my mind works. And I always try to be polite about my differing opinion, and I never think that your opinion is invalid. I will think it's your opinion though because it's not the whole truth, and never will be because the human society is a very complex one. It's not just your side and my side. Or it shouldn't be. All knowledge, in my opinion, should be about finding ways to coexist.

Anyway, this is a goodbye. I will miss her for the rest of my life. I will never understand this decision, and especially the way this was handled. I will forgive, though, because I can't hold a grudge. I'm just not capable of that. But I will never return. It's not possible after the bond has been severed, destroyed in this way. I just can't go back. Of course, that would require for her to even want it. I don't think that's ever going to happen because it's hard to admit one's faults. It's easier to go on and try to forget.

I hope she finds her peace. I hope her country finds its peace. And I hope her life will be better after me because I want nothing but the best for her. Always.
moodwriter: (Default)
The one thing I've learned from watching The Biggest Loser (yes, I'm addicted and I'm not even embarrassed about it) is "Finish what you started".

So that's what I did today when I went to the entrance exam of the university I so want to get into. Quite a few things were against me:
- my friend's 1,5 week visit was right in the middle of my two month reading period (we get the material only two months before the exam)
- I learned about the problems my brother has with his wife and family, and I had a few sleepless nights because of that
- I got really sick on the last week, and couldn't read most of that time
- I couldn't sleep for two nights right before the exam because I was coughing so much
- I was still very sick today when I did the exam, coughing the whole time, my nose so stuffy it's hard to breathe

I wanted to give up because it felt so useless to try. I really needed the last week for preparing to the exam, but the sickness prevented me from doing most of the work.

I went to the exam anyway and did my best. I have no idea if it was enough, but I'm really proud of myself for finishing what I started and not giving up. I didn't give it my all because I could've read more before, but when I went to the exam I really did give it my all. I did my best in these circumstances and that's enough. I think I already won. :P

Because a year ago, I would've given up. This time, I went all the way. :)
moodwriter: (Default)
My first boyfriend left me for my friend. My second boyfriend was an abusive asshole who told me I'm an evil witch (he meant it literally). He left me for a bimbo blond who had a nice ass. My third boyfriend left me because I was too young and stupid and wouldn't sleep with him.

That's just my teenage years. :)

I really didn't have any luck with boyfriends. I should've found a sweet girl back then. That's my only regret: that I didn't realize early enough that I like both. Now, I'd have that experience.

Anyway, my fourth boyfriend started dating me because the girl he liked wasn't interested in him. I worshiped the ground under his feet, and I agreed to anything to keep him. He wanted an open relationship. Oh, and his mother was from Hell. Seriously, what a hag. She made me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit, trying to steal her son from her. That was an interesting five years. He was so wonderful, but he never loved me enough. And then, I fell for a Swedish guy, told my ex I could use that open relationship card now, and had an affair with the guy. With the help of that crazy relationship I pulled myself out of the one that was slowly squeezing all life out of me.

My fifth on-and-off-boyfriend was that Swedish guy. He broke up with me right after we started dating, right after I'd broken up with my boyfriend. That was a low blow. He still wanted to see me for sex though. And since I didn't have anything else and I was broken and bleeding all over my insides I agreed to that. We saw each other for a year.

And while I was seeing that Swedish guy (for sex) I finally realized that I've been looking at someone for three years, that he's been right under my nose all this time... And I finally gave a chance to my husband... Okay, show me what real love is.

All my relationships could've worked if the person had loved me back. Nobody else did except my husband, not the way I need to be loved.

Still, the ex with an awful mother wanted to make a baby with me so I would never disappear from his life (we didn't). And I've had people calling me years after, telling me that you were the one, or you were right, or I should've held onto you. A little too late.

What I'm saying is... Yeah, I've seen many sides of relationships, and all of them have left scars. I've been treated very badly by people I loved. But I think I've always been aware of one thing: nobody else defines my worth. That's why, at some point of my life, I've been able to leave things behind. When I started dating that abusive bastard who actually did hit me and made me feel like I was the ugliest stupidest person in this world I told my best friend back then: "I know the way he is, but I want to experience this." It took me to go through all those bad experiences until I was ready to say: "Okay, let me see something good for a change."

It's still very hard for me to accept that I can have a good life. It's much easier for me to suffer and take all the pain. I feel so guilty about happiness. Still.

But I think it's a huge step to the right direction that I don't want to experience all the awful things first hand to understand people better. I'm now willing to learn from other people's experiences too.
moodwriter: (Default)
I wrote this message yesterday, then deleted it. This is one of the only subjects I don’t really like to talk about because I’m always unsure how people will react. The reason why I want to write about this is that I think someone might gain something from it. I have a quirky world view, and it’s helped me a lot during the years.

I always say I haven’t suffered a lot. In all honesty, I don’t know if it is true. I just feel like it because the way I see life affects to the way I suffer. I can’t say I know how others look at life, or if there even is a more common way of looking at life. It’s possible that all seven billion of us have a different view, and there’s nothing common about it. Even though we’re children of our parents, and even though we learn from people older than us, we still think for ourselves – most of the time. Hopefully.

This is not me saying it’s the only right way to look at things, or that it’s the best way to look at things. This is me saying: the world I see is both terribly heavy and terribly light, and I appreciate standing in the middle of that pressure.

I’m not religious. I don’t think I’m even spiritual anymore. I’m soft to the world and its beings. That’s probably the biggest truth about me. I don’t have anything guiding me in this world. I don’t follow any dogma. What I feel is what’s inside me. It took me forever to realize that what I’m looking for is not anywhere anyone else has ever written. It’s in me. And I’m not saying it’s anything what people call religion or god or spirit or zen or enlightenment. It’s just the knowledge that you’re good enough just the way you are.

So that said, I want to talk about how I see life and death. )
moodwriter: (Tommy_vampire)
I'm going to be truly honest here. This might even become pathetic. I apologize for that.

So, my friend just finished her third draft, and that's sitting on my desk waiting to be read. Once we pre-readers have read it, my friend will send it to an agent (or several).

One of my favorite authors in this fandom got published. I honestly couldn't be happier about this. She deserves it like crazy.

But when the "competition" is like this, these amazing writers who are a million times better than I am, and I never even manage to finish anything I write... I feel like I'm never ever going to be able to do what I want: get published.

For some reason it sank in yesterday. There's nothing I want more than to write books, tell stories. I don't really want to do anything else with my life. I've been wallowing in this depressing feeling these past few days, and it's so bad right now that all I do is cry when I get the chance. I'm home alone now so I can cry as much as I want.

Written down like this... It makes me laugh because I'm being silly. Either I do something about this - start finishing those original things I've created - or feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life. I know which one I'm going to choose, but it's not the easy path.

I genuinely suck. I'm not a native speaker. I don't have a fancy education to back me up. I've never finished anything that isn't fanfiction. The confidence I have is not enough. It's very easy to hurt me (breaking me is a lot harder, though). I'm not good enough. But I'm going to finish a short story in February, and I'm going to finish that pirate story this year. It's a promise.


ETA: I just read that pirate story, and gosh, it's good. Now I want to finish it. :) I'll be answering comments tomorrow. Now sleep. Thank you so much for your support. You guys are the best. <3

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