moodwriter: (Default)
[personal profile] moodwriter
I wrote this message yesterday, then deleted it. This is one of the only subjects I don’t really like to talk about because I’m always unsure how people will react. The reason why I want to write about this is that I think someone might gain something from it. I have a quirky world view, and it’s helped me a lot during the years.

I always say I haven’t suffered a lot. In all honesty, I don’t know if it is true. I just feel like it because the way I see life affects to the way I suffer. I can’t say I know how others look at life, or if there even is a more common way of looking at life. It’s possible that all seven billion of us have a different view, and there’s nothing common about it. Even though we’re children of our parents, and even though we learn from people older than us, we still think for ourselves – most of the time. Hopefully.

This is not me saying it’s the only right way to look at things, or that it’s the best way to look at things. This is me saying: the world I see is both terribly heavy and terribly light, and I appreciate standing in the middle of that pressure.

I’m not religious. I don’t think I’m even spiritual anymore. I’m soft to the world and its beings. That’s probably the biggest truth about me. I don’t have anything guiding me in this world. I don’t follow any dogma. What I feel is what’s inside me. It took me forever to realize that what I’m looking for is not anywhere anyone else has ever written. It’s in me. And I’m not saying it’s anything what people call religion or god or spirit or zen or enlightenment. It’s just the knowledge that you’re good enough just the way you are.

So that said, I want to talk about how I see life and death.

Yesterday, I wrote about how I don’t feel time at all, how I don’t notice time passing, and how I don’t feel age. I wrote about finding death as precious as life, and that there’s nothing I value more than life around me.

The thing is, no matter how much I try to explain all that it’s still bullshit. I do feel time. I know I’m getting older. I do remember birthdays if I try. I remember appointments and I can hold a schedule.

But I don’t feel like I’m limited to this person and this body and this time. I feel the world as a whole. I’m not just myself, walking through the story of my own life. To me, the few precious years we have truly are a drop in the ocean. Hundred years feels like nothing to me, like it’s gone in a second. And this is what I mean by not realizing time. And this is also why I don’t see suffering as something that lasts forever.

When something awful happens, when I’m broken, when I’m hurt, I know it’ll pass. Something new and different will happen at some point. And I tend to stay in the now, even when the now sucks.

Because I see how short life is, and how it can end abruptly, I find my time here important. I’ve lost a brother, I’ve lost loved ones, I’ve been betrayed, I’ve been abused. In many ways, I’m still a product of my own memories, but I’m also aware of my being alive and feeling because of that.

I really can’t explain this. And again I wonder if I want to post this. The bottom line is I guess wu wei: As trees grow, they simply grow without trying to grow. Thus knowing how and when to act is not knowledge in the sense that one would think, "now I should do this," but rather just doing it, doing the natural thing.

So to me, dying is very natural. Of course I’ll be sad and shocked when people I love die (or even when people other people love die), but I don’t feel like some mysterious wrong has happened to me. I feel like it’s the course of life. Same goes with everything.

The other side of this peace is that since I’m not afraid of pain I see it everywhere. I feel it in other people. I practically carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and that’s what I meant with pressure. I don’t shy away from it because that’s what lets me stay close to people. But it can become overwhelming sometimes because there’s very little I can do. When I was a child I wanted to become a catalyst for suffering. I wanted to stop being a person and just suck in all the suffering in the world. I’ve since then realized that I have to live my own life to be able to do that. Of course the scale is very small, but I just have to live with that knowledge.

I don’t think this message makes much sense, but I hope it doesn’t alienate anyone. It’s a tiny part of me that I don’t often talk about because it’s too much who I am underneath this skin.

Date: 2013-02-05 10:08 am (UTC)
thraceadams: (Rizzoli and Isles)
From: [personal profile] thraceadams
*HUGS YOU HARD* we all look at life differently. Thanks for giving us a little hint of how you look at things.

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